So last night while trying to fall asleep I was going over the crappy day that I'd had. Woke up at 430am to the sound of the coffee pot coming on. Scott started getting ready for work which, in itself, doesn't normally keep me awake but yesterday it did. 5am he was out the door and I was snuggled back in bed hoping to get another 2 hours of sleep... No such luck. I laid in bed for a few minutes and was soon joined by the cat who, quite out of the ordinary, started hopping around the bed like a bunny.
Now you should know I am very nearsighted and can't see a thing without glasses or contacts. (the old joke around the house is that I can't find my glasses if I don't have my glasses on to see them!) Anyway it wasn't until this brown blob appeared VERY close to my face that I realized Nikki the cat had brought a mouse to my bed and his uncharacteristic jumping was him pouncing on the mouse! FREAK OUT. Right in the bed! My safe haven-the place I RUN to in the bedroom if I see a mouse! I was fairly certain that my magic covers(you know-the ones that protect you from monsters, bats, burglars and all things evil when you cover up with them and hide) were not going to protect me from this vile invader! I'm telling you-my eyes must have bugged out of my head SO far that suddenly I could see very clearly! Clearly enough to put on my glasses and hop out of bed to leave Nikki and the Mouse to wage war without me.
The mouse ran down(the clock struck 530am) onto the floor and I knew I wasn't getting back to sleep. Blah. So I hopped back into bed, safe under the once again magical protecting covers, and watched the (quite literal) game of cat and mouse.
The thing is-Nikki the cat doesn't kill mice. (Or squirrels... If you've read my previous blog entries you may know that we originally got Nikki because we had a squirrel living in our house and we wanted nikki to scare him off. Nikki wasn't bothered at all by the squirrel and then for quite some time we were stuck with both the squirrel and a lazy cat.) So I can't say I was all that surprised when the mouse got away. In my room! Thank goodness mice can't climb and I had my magic 'protect-you-from-all-evils' covers to hide under.
So I tried to text Scott to complain once again about HIS cat's evil antics. But my Smart Phone(which I am sure is plotting my demise, by the way) stopped working properly. I like to 'talk' my texts and then the phone converts what I say into letters and sends it as a text message. Pretty cool! But it wasn't working and I was NOT happy! On top of that people had mentioned the day before that they were having trouble hearing me. I have to say, I expected better from a $400.00+ smart phone(and no, I didn't pay that, we got a deal). So I called XYZ and explained what was going on.
Do you know how frustrating it is when you call because the phone isn't working and the lady on the other end keeps saying 'I'm sorry, What is the problem you're having? I can't hear you.' FACE PALM! Anyway, 50 minutes later my phone has been reset to factory settings(no cool apps or photos loaded or contacts or anything! grr) but it finally seems to be working. I thank the folks at XYZ, put the cover back on the phone(lots of 'remove battery, insert battery' stuff going on) and go about my day.
By now it's 8something in the am and I remember I've been up since stupid o'clock and I STILL haven't text Scott to tell him about the cat and mouse games! So, thankfully and optimistically I click the little microphone to 'talk to text' him. WRONG! Same stupid message comes up. 'no match found'. It doesn't understand me. Grr. So I call XYZ again. The lady insists that the tech support can't hellp me if I don't have a second line for him to call me on. I had already used 50 minutes on my son's straight talk phone(which I think only costs a reasonable $1 a minute or something crazy like that) so I wasn't going to use that any more. She kept insisting and I kept saying 'Can I just SPEAK to him and get some advice to follow after I talk to him. Finally she put me through, I explained the situation. I do believe that old saying 'more bee's with honey than vinegar' (or I prefer to kill em with kindness, but that's a different subject really) so I was calm and explained what was going on.
So he says... Ok let's start by checking out the microphone. It's a little tiny pin hole in the bottom of your phone, just make sure that's cleared out.
OMG! So I look at the bottom of the phone and there is a big glob of clay filling this little tiny pin sized hole in the bottom of my phone! That's all it was! Which explains why the first guy 'fixed' it and then it didn't work-I had put the clay'ed up cover back on after talking to him! OMG! all that crap for a bit of dirt! Why didn't they just say that the first time! I had no idea where the microphone was on the phone(I swear, they are amazing things-for all I know it didn't 'hear' me at all but read my mind instead!) Grr.
Later after I cooled down I thought about the other troubles I had been having with my phone-just websites loading slower and some texts not being received or sent. Then thought about all the viruses and hackers out there and decided it was probably best to reset the phone back to the beginning anyway. Now that I know what to do(and what not to do) as far as the internet goes I can protect myself from things I may have previously downloaded onto my phone that could have been harmful. So maybe it worked out best anyway.
Ok. Fastforward to evening. I have been working on a 40 piece stoneware pottery dinner set for a fantastic customer in Hawaii. It's taken ages now, it's a slow process, and I've lost a few pieces along the way so had to start them over. Yesterday it was FINALLY time to put the first 'glaze' firing in. This is the absolute LAST step in the whole process and I was so nervous. Loaded the kiln, got 12 pieces in without anything touching, closed the lid gently, flipped the switch and got the dreaded error message on the computer! O M G. Not only was I not going to get to fire the pieces, the kiln was broken! They are fairly easy to replace....assuming you have $3000 laying around. I have about 74 cents right now though... Not cool!
Turns out the thermal coupling had broken(the thing that tells how hot the kiln is so when it gets to about 2032 degrees F it knows to shut off before it melts my house down). The kiln itself is pretty old(I bought it used) so we don't even know yet if we can get the piece. I'm hopeful though. Anyway way, in my typical 'maybe it's ment to be' state of mind I sat down with Scott and we talked about it. We were looking on line for replacement parts and discovered that the Thermal Coupling often needs to be replaced as it gets corroded. If you don't replace it, the kiln can fire too hot! So, depending on how bad it was, the whole kiln load worth of dishes could have been ruined AND if it got hot enough it could have actually been dangerous! So...I said to Scott.. It probably worked out best that it happened now before any damage was done. He laughed and said 'ah yeah-your whole ''ment to be'' theory. You see I really think that, more often than not, things work out for the best. Even when it seems absolutely sucky! Like my phone-for all I know someone was able to phish(steal details) off of my phone and by resetting it to factory settings I got rid of whatever virus or program may have given my details away. And the kiln-we may have just avoided a house fire!
So...there I am, in bed, thinking about all of this. I'm pretty calm all things considered. A few years ago all the stress from the day would have had me in the bathroom throwing up. Now I look back and think about how we just never know why things work out the way they do. It seems I've turned into one of those sickly optimistic people who you just want to say 'Oh shut up!' to. Don't you just hate that chipper person who always finds the silver lining on the crappiest cloud! It wasn't that long ago that I'd smack that person in the face and now I AM that person. Ugh. How it happened I'll never know, but I have to say I'm much happier now and always try to look at the bigger picture. Maybe not at first-heck I can still stress to the point of breaking over the stupidest things like did I pay that library fine from 1989, but, all in all, I do think things generally work out the way they're meant to, whether we realize it or not.
You don't know what the universe has planned or what it's protecting you from. Still, I am going to hang on to those magic covers for a while longer in case the universe things Nikki should bring another mouse in the bedroom....
Now...Where did I put my Prozac? =D
P.s. Shameless Plug! My Etsy Store
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Where sarcastic goats no longer roam.
It's true. The goats no longer roam here. I may have to change the title of the blog to 'Where sarcastic goats used to roam until they got to be over 100 lbs and their idea of playing was too rough to have around women and children who were likely to get trampled to death' or something to that effect.
There is quite a bizarre story behind the removal of the goats-but then isn't there always?
The boys(goats) had been growing like weeds(probably from eating all those weeds!) and had both reached well over 100lbs, as stated above. However, they seemed to be in denial of their astronomical weight gain and still thought it was ok to jump up into laps for cuddles(which were now known as full body tackles-some of which came from behind, when we were not expecting it.) You know that old saying-'It's all fun and games til someone gets a hoof in the backside.'
Brandon(who I must confess is a mere 70 lbs himself) had long been afraid of the goats. Scott and I didn't think that much of it because, lets face it, 3 years before the boy was also afraid of a hamster and he still occasionally accuses the chickens of giving him evil looks as well. So the boy seemed to be calling 'goat' as it were. (instead of wolf, in case you didn't get the reference).
Then came the day where the goats wanted to play king of the hill and apparently it was my turn to be the hill. To add insult to injury I was of course dressed to go to work and was not in the mood to have a hoof print ANYWHERE. However they were very insistant, claiming that I had been neglectful in my king of the hill duties and it was about time they got to stand on my head. At one point I think Benny even seemed to give Billy a boost up! Did you know that goats can jump up to 5 feet? Guess who is only 5 ft 3 inches-this little hill!
So I went online to one of my favorite animal loving forums (www.backyardherds.com) to get advice. I was told everything from 'Get a cattle prod' to 'explain to the goats why it's wrong to behave that way and how it makes you feel'. In the end I went with 'use a squirt bottle'.
So the next time I went outside I was armed! Good lord! You'd have thought I tasered those goats! A squirt of water to the neck and they couldn't get away fast enough. Of course it probably doesn't help that there was also vinegar in the bottle-it was the only squirt bottle I had and happened to be the vinegar and water I use to clean windows etc. Whatever. Problem solved!
Well, one problem solved. As it wasn't always possible to go out packing heat(vinegar and water) we decided that it was no longer ok for the goats to free range as they had been. In addition to human bowling-running at us and knocking as many of us down in one 'go' as possible- they were jumping on cars.
It got so bad that the mailman(who delivers our mail in a car as we are in a rural area) wouldn't even stop to put the mail in the mail box-he'd just throw it out the window as he drove by. Of course, the goats thought that this was level three of what had previously been known as 'Quick, spread the newspaper all over the yard before she sees it has been delivered. Level two of said game obviously became known as 'Quick, EAT the newspaper before she knows it has been delivered so that she keeps checking for it and eventually thinks she's going in sane.' The mail never stood a chance really. That reminds me-I need to call Publishers Clearing House in case I won $1,000,000.00 and explain that the goats may have eaten my notice.
Anyway, there were a few other factors as well, but we knew it was time to sell the goats. There is a whole 'nother story about this involving a small chinese man and his little green car that he picked the goats up in but I just can't go into it right now. All you need to know is-I listened to the radio for the rest of that dreadful afternoon and there were no 'crazy goats loose on interstate looking for a hill to play on' reports so I assume they all made it home safe.
We have replaced the goats with 2 baby alpacas! But then, that's a whole 'nother blog entry, isn't it. :)
P.S. Shameless plug! Been doing a LOT of pottery lately. Check out the on line store and buy lots of stuff! At The Aspiring Potter
Thursday, May 17, 2012
We are looking for a new home for Smelly Cat.
We are looking for a new home for Smelly Cat. She seems happy enough here but she tends to stay in just 1 of the bedrooms and so we'd like her to go to a home where other cats don't bother her so much. Here is the ad I posted on Craigslist http://lacrosse.craigslist.org/pet/3022255767.html
Or I can copy and paste the ad below, but I don't know if the photos will work so you might have to use your imagination.
Here's what it says:
Let me introduce you to 'Smelly Cat'! She's a lovely stray Himalayan/Persian that we took in about a year ago. (We did give her a survey, trying to determine her age and species but she just ticked 'prefer not to answer' on every box.)
Smelly, (and yes-that IS her name, she knows her name and answers to her name), is a sweet heart! Think you might be able to offer her a home? Here's what you need to know:
She is fairly old. The vet says maybe 11 years old? When Smelly adopted us she was very thin. We suspect she was on the atkins diet-all meat, no carbs. She has now put on a few pounds and is in a healthy condition again. Like most women, she has a little bit of a self esteem issue though, so please don't mention her weight gain to her. And for god's sake don't ask her what age she is! She will just stare at you with an evil eye and then walk away in disgust.
She does have a case of cataracts but still manages to see pretty well. She only needs glasses for reading, and since she can't read it's never been a problem really. She does however need her food to be in a bright/contrasting color bowl so that she can see it. Tell her the food is low carb even if it isn't or she won't eat it.
She is a non-smoker and recently quit drinking alcohol as she no longer finds joy in the bar scene.
She does have a little bit of arthritis in her back legs/hips so unfortunately her days of Irish River Dancing are over. She loves to be petted, just not below the waist-head, shoulders and back only, not hips or back legs. It just reminds her of her dancing days and makes her sad.
There are a few..not negative but not necessarily positive, things about Smelly that I need to tell you.... For example-she has a mouth like a sailor! She knows every swear word in the book. Don't worry though, unless you're related to Dr. Dolittle no one else is likely to understand what she's saying.
Also she's old. Like most old folks she can produce a little bit of a foul aroma sometimes but heck-so do my grandparents and it never stopped me from loving them, nor has it stopped me from loving Smelly. Mostly she keeps the smell contained to the litter box but sometimes a little 'toot' will sneak out. She never admits to farting, always blames the dog, but we know it's her...mostly because we don't have a dog!
She loves baths! She loves them so much, in fact, that when you try to give her one she will growl and swear at you in her little 'cat swears' the entire time for not giving her baths more often. She might even try and escape so that she can go tell her friends how great baths are so it might take 2 people just to contain her (because of all of her excitement). However, accidentally squirt her with anything cooler than luke warm water and she will bust out a whole new set of swear words you didn't even know existed! Even in the feline language!
She gets along fine with other cats as long as they are submissive, respect their elders, are clean, well mannered and share the same hobbies as her. We do have another (boy) cat in the house and sometimes he likes to tell her that he's the dominant one and raise trouble. She tells him to MEOW OFF and that's usually the end of it. She gets along with the girl cats just fine, they seem to know their place I guess.
She does not like wearing 'cat clothes' or 'cat sweaters' and prefers the nudist lifestyle. Please don't try to make her wear those stupid sweaters, you will regret it! She is not opposed to wearing diamonds though. They have to be real, none of that cubic zirconium crap-we learned that the hard way! She didn't speak to us for days!
Her favorite designer perfume is 'Flea and Tick Prevention' by Frontline. She likes to wear it every month. If she doesn't have it on she gets 'ticked' off with you and may 'flea'. She is a lady and has standards.
Her hobbies include unknitting. That is to say you knit something and then she un-knit's it for you. It's just one of the many free services she offers. She enjoys playing occasional game of 'Call of Duty' on the Xbox, but then who doesn't. She also likes to try new drinks. She is even willing to test your morning coffee to see if it's too hot. For example: If she runs away mad it's probably too hot. If she stays and drinks every last drop then you know it was just right.
When Smelly first moved into our home she had some burdocks in her hair. She swore all the local cats were wearing them but we took her to the vet and had them shaved off anyway. She is now growing her hair long again. She does have a burdock in her tail but she likes it there and told us that we can only remove it after she'd dead, or something to that effect(with a little bit of cat swearing thrown in to get the point across). Although her hair is important to her, she does NOT like having her nails painted. She says that it makes her look cheap. She also says she's never had plastic surgery or botox but she doesn't have a single wrinkle, so who knows... A lady never tells.
One last thing to mention. Whenever possible she likes to eat her dinner out of hand made pottery. She particularly likes the items from www.etsy.com/shop/bethpiggott which just happens to be MY pottery store. If you see something you like there let me know, we can work something out.
We are asking for a $40 re-homing fee just to cover part of the expenses and vet bills we have had since she moved in.
If you think you can offer Smelly a dream home please email me asap. We live in Wilton-if you'd like to come and see her first hand we can schedule a meeting and interview (she will interview YOU, not the other way around-just so you know =D )
I have attached some photos but she does not like her photo taken, apparently she had a bad experience with the paparazzi in the past. I managed to get a couple though. In one she actually poked her tongue out at me as she looked away! In the 2nd one she's making her happy face, in the third she is making her sad face and in the forth-well, that's a face only a mother could love!
There you have it...
Or I can copy and paste the ad below, but I don't know if the photos will work so you might have to use your imagination.
Here's what it says:
Let me introduce you to 'Smelly Cat'! She's a lovely stray Himalayan/Persian that we took in about a year ago. (We did give her a survey, trying to determine her age and species but she just ticked 'prefer not to answer' on every box.)
Smelly, (and yes-that IS her name, she knows her name and answers to her name), is a sweet heart! Think you might be able to offer her a home? Here's what you need to know:
She is fairly old. The vet says maybe 11 years old? When Smelly adopted us she was very thin. We suspect she was on the atkins diet-all meat, no carbs. She has now put on a few pounds and is in a healthy condition again. Like most women, she has a little bit of a self esteem issue though, so please don't mention her weight gain to her. And for god's sake don't ask her what age she is! She will just stare at you with an evil eye and then walk away in disgust.
She does have a case of cataracts but still manages to see pretty well. She only needs glasses for reading, and since she can't read it's never been a problem really. She does however need her food to be in a bright/contrasting color bowl so that she can see it. Tell her the food is low carb even if it isn't or she won't eat it.
She is a non-smoker and recently quit drinking alcohol as she no longer finds joy in the bar scene.
She does have a little bit of arthritis in her back legs/hips so unfortunately her days of Irish River Dancing are over. She loves to be petted, just not below the waist-head, shoulders and back only, not hips or back legs. It just reminds her of her dancing days and makes her sad.
There are a few..not negative but not necessarily positive, things about Smelly that I need to tell you.... For example-she has a mouth like a sailor! She knows every swear word in the book. Don't worry though, unless you're related to Dr. Dolittle no one else is likely to understand what she's saying.
Also she's old. Like most old folks she can produce a little bit of a foul aroma sometimes but heck-so do my grandparents and it never stopped me from loving them, nor has it stopped me from loving Smelly. Mostly she keeps the smell contained to the litter box but sometimes a little 'toot' will sneak out. She never admits to farting, always blames the dog, but we know it's her...mostly because we don't have a dog!
She loves baths! She loves them so much, in fact, that when you try to give her one she will growl and swear at you in her little 'cat swears' the entire time for not giving her baths more often. She might even try and escape so that she can go tell her friends how great baths are so it might take 2 people just to contain her (because of all of her excitement). However, accidentally squirt her with anything cooler than luke warm water and she will bust out a whole new set of swear words you didn't even know existed! Even in the feline language!
She gets along fine with other cats as long as they are submissive, respect their elders, are clean, well mannered and share the same hobbies as her. We do have another (boy) cat in the house and sometimes he likes to tell her that he's the dominant one and raise trouble. She tells him to MEOW OFF and that's usually the end of it. She gets along with the girl cats just fine, they seem to know their place I guess.
She does not like wearing 'cat clothes' or 'cat sweaters' and prefers the nudist lifestyle. Please don't try to make her wear those stupid sweaters, you will regret it! She is not opposed to wearing diamonds though. They have to be real, none of that cubic zirconium crap-we learned that the hard way! She didn't speak to us for days!
Her favorite designer perfume is 'Flea and Tick Prevention' by Frontline. She likes to wear it every month. If she doesn't have it on she gets 'ticked' off with you and may 'flea'. She is a lady and has standards.
Her hobbies include unknitting. That is to say you knit something and then she un-knit's it for you. It's just one of the many free services she offers. She enjoys playing occasional game of 'Call of Duty' on the Xbox, but then who doesn't. She also likes to try new drinks. She is even willing to test your morning coffee to see if it's too hot. For example: If she runs away mad it's probably too hot. If she stays and drinks every last drop then you know it was just right.
When Smelly first moved into our home she had some burdocks in her hair. She swore all the local cats were wearing them but we took her to the vet and had them shaved off anyway. She is now growing her hair long again. She does have a burdock in her tail but she likes it there and told us that we can only remove it after she'd dead, or something to that effect(with a little bit of cat swearing thrown in to get the point across). Although her hair is important to her, she does NOT like having her nails painted. She says that it makes her look cheap. She also says she's never had plastic surgery or botox but she doesn't have a single wrinkle, so who knows... A lady never tells.
One last thing to mention. Whenever possible she likes to eat her dinner out of hand made pottery. She particularly likes the items from www.etsy.com/shop/bethpiggott which just happens to be MY pottery store. If you see something you like there let me know, we can work something out.
We are asking for a $40 re-homing fee just to cover part of the expenses and vet bills we have had since she moved in.
If you think you can offer Smelly a dream home please email me asap. We live in Wilton-if you'd like to come and see her first hand we can schedule a meeting and interview (she will interview YOU, not the other way around-just so you know =D )
I have attached some photos but she does not like her photo taken, apparently she had a bad experience with the paparazzi in the past. I managed to get a couple though. In one she actually poked her tongue out at me as she looked away! In the 2nd one she's making her happy face, in the third she is making her sad face and in the forth-well, that's a face only a mother could love!
There you have it...
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Master Cleanse/Lemonaid Diet part III (Instructions!)
I am not a doctor and this is not medical advice.
If you're considering any sort of change in diet, fast or cleanse it's important you speak to your doctor first.
This is only a summary of what *I* did.
I specifically put off writing this part of my blog because I really think that anyone considering this fast/cleanse needs to do their research first. I believe this for 2 reasons.
A) You need to know that what you are doing is OK. Fasting(including water fasting-where you only have WATER((no calories what-so-ever)) has been around since biblical times. It's not a new idea cooked up by some freaky guy trying to get rich/famous. True-there are variations that are cooked up by freaky guys, but that's why you need to do your own research!
B) IF you tell anyone that you're thinking of doing or already doing the master cleanse you have to be prepared to back up your decision and even defend it! Some folks just won't understand it and will even criticize you for it. If you've done your research and decide to do the cleanse then that SHOULD mean you understand where you're getting your nutrition/vitamins/minerals/calories from so that when people say 'You are starving yourself!' you an say. 'Actually, if you weren't such an ignorant idiot you'd realize I'm not.' Note-I strongly advise rephrasing that sentence before actually saying it out loud! Adapt it to suit your needs. I myself LIKE that version, but I do NOT like getting punched so I never got to actually use it myself.
Anyway-basically know what you're doing and why you're doing it. It's more about cleaning out, healing your digestive system by letting it take time off from the hard work it does all the time (remember digestion uses about 25% of your energy apparently! That's a lot of hard work!) and you most likely will lose weight as a result of your efforts but think of that as more of a gift with purchase (purchase being the detox).
Here's what I think you need to know. I'll probably forget something and will have to come back in the future and edit but for now here goes.
On the morning of the first day you need to make sure you can stay home and near the loo for quite a while. You need to start your cleanse off with what's called a Salt Water Flush(or SWF)
You need
1)An empty stomach
2)2 TEASPOONS! (This is important-you don't want to do tablespoons cause that will taste horrific!) of Sea Salt-not iodized. Unlike regular table salt, Sea salt has
) I've actually switched to using sea salt for everything now that I know this.
3).32oz of water(1tsp for every 16oz)
Mix together and drink ALL of this in 10-15 minutes (no longer if you can help it, but also don't chug it or you'll soon see it come back up again.)
*I did it as 32 oz and 2tsp salt the first day and found it pretty difficult to get down. I used the Master Cleanse Facebook Page (here's a link) https://www.facebook.com/TheMasterCleanse to bounce some ideas off people and also to see how everyone else copes with this. Here are a couple tricks I learned that you can try if you can't do it as 1tsp/16oz.
1. Mix up the temperature-some like it hot so that it tastes like a broth. I did not!
2. Have a lemon to suck on(like after a shot) after each 'drink'. This did help me a lot
3. Put all of the salt in 16oz and then have a separate 16oz of fresh water to alternate between. I've read that this isn't recommended, but for me it was a case of this or nothing at all. I can't tell you what to do, I can only say what I did.
In the end I found that I could manage 1 16 oz glass of salt water, 1 16 oz glass of fresh water and 1 lemon to suck on between each drink. It's pretty gross no matter what you do, but these things helped.
Couple things you need to know:
1) You do not need to do the swf every day. Most suggest doing it on day 1, day 3 and day 7. Folks who eat a lot of dairy or meat will find they need to do it more often to 'get things moving'. Once you have a day where it works just see how it goes. I did it for the first 3 days before it started to 'work', and there's no doubt about whether or not it's working. If you're not sure-then no, it's not working. YOU WILL KNOW!
2) Regarding Salt water retention/dehydration
http://themastercleanse.org/salt-water-flush/ is a very helpful website and here's what it says about water retention and the salt water flush...
Some folks do retain the salt water but this is normally because they did something wrong.
3) NOW. If it works the first day you will know pretty quick. Like within an hour or so. One of the most important things I read in one of the books is this: 'After drinking the salt water flush you may feel like you need to ''pass gas'' but do NOT do it! Folks-there's no nice way to say this... It's NOT gas and you need to get to the loo ASAP! Oh, and congrats-it must have worked! :D
Once it starts working it normally finishes up within an hour. So for one hour don't plan going anywhere there isn't a bathroom very close by!
The Lemonade recipe and what you need to know about it.
*Start drinking this after the salt water flush starts or-in case it doesn't even work the first day-about an hour or so after you've had your salt water.
for 1 dose/serving/portion((use whatever word you like))
2 TABLESPOONS Fresh Squeezed Lemon juice. Fresh as in done in the last 10 minutes! After that you start to lose a lot of the essentials of the juice that you need!
Most books say use organic, and that's great if you can get them, but I can't.
It must be LEMONS-not a hybrid of any sort
2 TABLESPOONS Grade B(Note-I did say earlier that you want grade a if possible but I think there's a difference between Canadian grade a and American grade a. You want the DARKEST REAL maple syrup(make sure there's no additives!) you can get! I used Grade A here-couldn't even find grade B. But I DID buy Organic when I could.
8oz FRESH SPRING WATER! Or bottled spring water, or if you can't get that-filtered water. Anything BUT city water which has chlorine and fluoride in it! You don't want that and you also don't want carbonated water(sparkling).
1/10th TEASPOON Cayenne Pepper. I started with less than this in my first bottle of water because I was worried it'd be super hot but it wasn't. HOWEVER! If you mix it up and let it sit for a few minutes the pepper quickly GETS HOT! You can add as much as you like, I had between 1/10th tsp and 1/8th tsp depending on how I was feeling at the time.
THIS IS YOUR MEAL! This is your breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, afternoon tea etc!
Have it whenever you START to feel hungry-don't wait until you have hunger pains-this isn't about starvation folks! You physically NEED to get at least 6 'doses' of this a day to get sufficient calories. You can have as many as 12(or even more! if you're exercising or feel you need it) a day.
I did read that you can reduce the amount of maple syrup if you're trying to lose weight but I myself would NOT do this-not enough calories=starvation. NOT what we're going for here folks. You will still lose weight by having 2TBSP in each glass of water.
**Do not mix up in advance. You will lose a lot of the benefits of the lemon and also the cayenne pepper will get hotter with each passing minute. If you need to mix up a batch to take to work here's what you do.
Mix up your fresh squeezed lemon and maple syrup in a container. Take your cayenne pepper powder ((do not use capsules!)) with you to work/school or wherever you're going that day.
Take your measuring spoons. Add 4!tablespoons of the mixture(2 for the lemon, 2 for the maple syrup=4 total) per 8 oz water.
Drink immediately. The maple syrup will help to act as a preservative for the lemons. It's not ideal, but it does help.
You need to drink water throughout the day! A good rule of thumb is 1 part lemonade to 1 part water. In other words-have 8oz water for every lemonade you drink a day.(at least 6 remember!)
Evenings...
Have a glass of Organic Smooth Move Herbal Senna Tea which can be found in most grocery stores in the tea/coffee section.
PLEASE READ INSTRUCTIONS! You need to let this brew for at least 10 minutes-up to 15 if possible.
If you absolutely can not stand the SWF this tea is your alternative. Have a big mug every evening no matter what, but in the mornings you can have a mug of this instead of the SWF. It won't work as well, but it's better than nothing at all.
There is a whole process to coming off the cleanse! You start with fresh squeezed orange juice, then add broths, then soups etc. Read up about it.
Folks there is so much more I could say! I'm going to leave it at this-if you have questions email me or ask them here or on my facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/bethcartwrightpiggott
I don't know everything about this, but I will help you find the answers if I don't know them myself!
USE the links to websites I've listed. They are powerful tools!
http://themastercleanse.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?9-The-Master-Cleanse-Board is an invaluable tool! There is a faq section, a section about medications, detox symptoms((Like the DISGUSTING WHITE TONGUE COATING YOU'LL GET!) and all sorts of things! You don't have to be a member to read, so read and read and read! It's really a great tool.
I'm not officially on the cleanse now myself but I still supplement meals with the lemonade occasionally and I'm still losing weight. Once I started eating normally again I put on 2lbs of the 8.5 I'd lost, but I've lost that again already just by doing weight watchers.
UGH. Too much to say.
If you have questions just ask! :D
If you're considering any sort of change in diet, fast or cleanse it's important you speak to your doctor first.
This is only a summary of what *I* did.
I specifically put off writing this part of my blog because I really think that anyone considering this fast/cleanse needs to do their research first. I believe this for 2 reasons.
A) You need to know that what you are doing is OK. Fasting(including water fasting-where you only have WATER((no calories what-so-ever)) has been around since biblical times. It's not a new idea cooked up by some freaky guy trying to get rich/famous. True-there are variations that are cooked up by freaky guys, but that's why you need to do your own research!
B) IF you tell anyone that you're thinking of doing or already doing the master cleanse you have to be prepared to back up your decision and even defend it! Some folks just won't understand it and will even criticize you for it. If you've done your research and decide to do the cleanse then that SHOULD mean you understand where you're getting your nutrition/vitamins/minerals/calories from so that when people say 'You are starving yourself!' you an say. 'Actually, if you weren't such an ignorant idiot you'd realize I'm not.' Note-I strongly advise rephrasing that sentence before actually saying it out loud! Adapt it to suit your needs. I myself LIKE that version, but I do NOT like getting punched so I never got to actually use it myself.
Anyway-basically know what you're doing and why you're doing it. It's more about cleaning out, healing your digestive system by letting it take time off from the hard work it does all the time (remember digestion uses about 25% of your energy apparently! That's a lot of hard work!) and you most likely will lose weight as a result of your efforts but think of that as more of a gift with purchase (purchase being the detox).
Here's what I think you need to know. I'll probably forget something and will have to come back in the future and edit but for now here goes.
On the morning of the first day you need to make sure you can stay home and near the loo for quite a while. You need to start your cleanse off with what's called a Salt Water Flush(or SWF)
You need
1)An empty stomach
2)2 TEASPOONS! (This is important-you don't want to do tablespoons cause that will taste horrific!) of Sea Salt-not iodized. Unlike regular table salt, Sea salt has
| Chloride (Cl-) | 55.03 | |||||||||||||
| Sodium (Na+) | 30.59 | |||||||||||||
| Sulfate (SO42-) | 7.68 | |||||||||||||
| Magnesium (Mg2+) | 3.68 | |||||||||||||
| Calcium (Ca2+) | 1.18 | |||||||||||||
| Potassium (K+) | 1.11 | |||||||||||||
| Bicarbonate (HCO3-) | 0.41 | |||||||||||||
| Bromide (Br-) | 0.19 | |||||||||||||
| Borate (BO33-) | 0.08 | |||||||||||||
| Strontium (Sr2+) | 0.04 | |||||||||||||
| Miscellaneous constituents | 0.01 (Thanks wikipedia! |
3).32oz of water(1tsp for every 16oz)
Mix together and drink ALL of this in 10-15 minutes (no longer if you can help it, but also don't chug it or you'll soon see it come back up again.)
*I did it as 32 oz and 2tsp salt the first day and found it pretty difficult to get down. I used the Master Cleanse Facebook Page (here's a link) https://www.facebook.com/TheMasterCleanse to bounce some ideas off people and also to see how everyone else copes with this. Here are a couple tricks I learned that you can try if you can't do it as 1tsp/16oz.
1. Mix up the temperature-some like it hot so that it tastes like a broth. I did not!
2. Have a lemon to suck on(like after a shot) after each 'drink'. This did help me a lot
3. Put all of the salt in 16oz and then have a separate 16oz of fresh water to alternate between. I've read that this isn't recommended, but for me it was a case of this or nothing at all. I can't tell you what to do, I can only say what I did.
In the end I found that I could manage 1 16 oz glass of salt water, 1 16 oz glass of fresh water and 1 lemon to suck on between each drink. It's pretty gross no matter what you do, but these things helped.
Couple things you need to know:
1) You do not need to do the swf every day. Most suggest doing it on day 1, day 3 and day 7. Folks who eat a lot of dairy or meat will find they need to do it more often to 'get things moving'. Once you have a day where it works just see how it goes. I did it for the first 3 days before it started to 'work', and there's no doubt about whether or not it's working. If you're not sure-then no, it's not working. YOU WILL KNOW!
2) Regarding Salt water retention/dehydration
http://themastercleanse.org/salt-water-flush/ is a very helpful website and here's what it says about water retention and the salt water flush...
Will the Salt Water Flush dehydrate me?
NO. This is because the solution is indigestible.You may have heard that, if you are stranded at sea, drinking sea water will only dehydrate you more. This is why. It just comes right out of you because the mixture has the same gravity as your blood and is not absorbed.Some folks do retain the salt water but this is normally because they did something wrong.
3) NOW. If it works the first day you will know pretty quick. Like within an hour or so. One of the most important things I read in one of the books is this: 'After drinking the salt water flush you may feel like you need to ''pass gas'' but do NOT do it! Folks-there's no nice way to say this... It's NOT gas and you need to get to the loo ASAP! Oh, and congrats-it must have worked! :D
Once it starts working it normally finishes up within an hour. So for one hour don't plan going anywhere there isn't a bathroom very close by!
The Lemonade recipe and what you need to know about it.
*Start drinking this after the salt water flush starts or-in case it doesn't even work the first day-about an hour or so after you've had your salt water.
for 1 dose/serving/portion((use whatever word you like))
2 TABLESPOONS Fresh Squeezed Lemon juice. Fresh as in done in the last 10 minutes! After that you start to lose a lot of the essentials of the juice that you need!
Most books say use organic, and that's great if you can get them, but I can't.
It must be LEMONS-not a hybrid of any sort
2 TABLESPOONS Grade B(Note-I did say earlier that you want grade a if possible but I think there's a difference between Canadian grade a and American grade a. You want the DARKEST REAL maple syrup(make sure there's no additives!) you can get! I used Grade A here-couldn't even find grade B. But I DID buy Organic when I could.
8oz FRESH SPRING WATER! Or bottled spring water, or if you can't get that-filtered water. Anything BUT city water which has chlorine and fluoride in it! You don't want that and you also don't want carbonated water(sparkling).
1/10th TEASPOON Cayenne Pepper. I started with less than this in my first bottle of water because I was worried it'd be super hot but it wasn't. HOWEVER! If you mix it up and let it sit for a few minutes the pepper quickly GETS HOT! You can add as much as you like, I had between 1/10th tsp and 1/8th tsp depending on how I was feeling at the time.
THIS IS YOUR MEAL! This is your breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper, afternoon tea etc!
Have it whenever you START to feel hungry-don't wait until you have hunger pains-this isn't about starvation folks! You physically NEED to get at least 6 'doses' of this a day to get sufficient calories. You can have as many as 12(or even more! if you're exercising or feel you need it) a day.
I did read that you can reduce the amount of maple syrup if you're trying to lose weight but I myself would NOT do this-not enough calories=starvation. NOT what we're going for here folks. You will still lose weight by having 2TBSP in each glass of water.
**Do not mix up in advance. You will lose a lot of the benefits of the lemon and also the cayenne pepper will get hotter with each passing minute. If you need to mix up a batch to take to work here's what you do.
Mix up your fresh squeezed lemon and maple syrup in a container. Take your cayenne pepper powder ((do not use capsules!)) with you to work/school or wherever you're going that day.
Take your measuring spoons. Add 4!tablespoons of the mixture(2 for the lemon, 2 for the maple syrup=4 total) per 8 oz water.
Drink immediately. The maple syrup will help to act as a preservative for the lemons. It's not ideal, but it does help.
You need to drink water throughout the day! A good rule of thumb is 1 part lemonade to 1 part water. In other words-have 8oz water for every lemonade you drink a day.(at least 6 remember!)
Evenings...
Have a glass of Organic Smooth Move Herbal Senna Tea which can be found in most grocery stores in the tea/coffee section.
PLEASE READ INSTRUCTIONS! You need to let this brew for at least 10 minutes-up to 15 if possible.
If you absolutely can not stand the SWF this tea is your alternative. Have a big mug every evening no matter what, but in the mornings you can have a mug of this instead of the SWF. It won't work as well, but it's better than nothing at all.
There is a whole process to coming off the cleanse! You start with fresh squeezed orange juice, then add broths, then soups etc. Read up about it.
Folks there is so much more I could say! I'm going to leave it at this-if you have questions email me or ask them here or on my facebook page. https://www.facebook.com/bethcartwrightpiggott
I don't know everything about this, but I will help you find the answers if I don't know them myself!
USE the links to websites I've listed. They are powerful tools!
http://themastercleanse.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?9-The-Master-Cleanse-Board is an invaluable tool! There is a faq section, a section about medications, detox symptoms((Like the DISGUSTING WHITE TONGUE COATING YOU'LL GET!) and all sorts of things! You don't have to be a member to read, so read and read and read! It's really a great tool.
I'm not officially on the cleanse now myself but I still supplement meals with the lemonade occasionally and I'm still losing weight. Once I started eating normally again I put on 2lbs of the 8.5 I'd lost, but I've lost that again already just by doing weight watchers.
UGH. Too much to say.
If you have questions just ask! :D
Monday, March 19, 2012
The Master Cleanse Part II-No coffee! WHAT.
I had read in Tom Woloshyn's book The Complete Master Cleanse about cutting back on caffeine on the days leading up to your cleanse. This in itself was a motivation for me. I like caffeine! I like to have an extra shot of espresso IN my espresso! Gimme Gimme Gimme! Every once in a while I know I have to take a complete break from it though, back right off and reintroduce it slowly. Normally I have a little headache for a day or so-nothing a handful of tylenol can't fix. Anyway I read to cut back on caffeine by 25% a day for the 4 days leading up to your cleanse.
Now, maybe it's cause I'm an Aries, or maybe it's just cause I'm me-but I'm impatient! Once I decide I'm going to do something I NEED to do it right then before I loose my momentum. So instead of the normal 4 days of weening myself off, I cut my caffeine in half the first day and cut it out altogether the 2nd day(starting my cleanse then on the 3rd day). Add that to the normal detoxing side effects that your body goes through and I was a wreck! I had a headache that wouldn't quit! My HEADACHE had a headache! And there were only two ways to fix it. A) a bucket of coffee or B) tylenol. But wait-on the master cleanse the whole point is to NOT eat anything that can reactivate your digestion and detract from the healing that you want to occur. This means No PILLS, no gum, no candy, no tasting dinner as you cook it for your family, no nothing but your lemonade, salt water flush, Smooth Move tea or occasionally peppermint tea.
Well by day 2 I was close to non functioning, that's how bad it was. I tried all the things you're supposed to do-increase your water in case it's from dehydration (no, it's not! but I increased water anyway) tried to go to a 'happy place' in my mind but it turns out my happy place is starbucks so that backfired in a big way, tried meditation-that took me back to starbucks as well. In the end I took 2 tylenol. And I slept! And it was good. The next morning I was fine until about 9 (aka 2nd cup of coffee time). Then the headache started brewing (see the coffee reference there-not a coincidence!) So I did take 1 more tylenol to catch the headache before it got so bad this time. I have to say by that afternoon I was feeling pretty good!
Here's a brief breakdown of how the days went for me-just in case you're wondering how to plan your cleanse around your schedule.
Day 1-I worked thinking that by keeping busy I wouldn't notice that I was not eating 'food', just drinking it. By that afternoon the headache was already kickin my butt and I had a major fuzzy head! (I later read this is a common symptom at the beginning of the detoxing process)
Did salt water flush with NO results...
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 2 I was pretty much non functional, spent a lot of time resting and trying to get rid of my headache. I want to say that I had not yet had HUNGER pains! The drink was surprisingly satisfying and you can pretty much have as much as you want. If you're trying to actually lose weight you can reduce your maple syrup intake but I kept mine at the recommended level for just detoxing as I didn't want to cut out too many calories. I was still getting a good amount!
Did salt water flush AGAIN with no results...
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 3 'Its a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life....and I'm feeling good! No kidding! I felt fine!
Referencing the books/websites I'd read in preparation for the cleanse, I was aware that there would be food 'cravings'. This is not to be confused with hunger pains. This is more of a 'I HAVE to eat a WHOLE chocolate cake right now!' sort of craving. Not healthy, and apparently part of the detoxing process-when your body screams out for all the bad crap it's been so used to having. My craving was actually for sweet and sour chicken and I had it BAD. I was tempted to chuck the whole thing in, thinking surely 3 days was better than nothing((which is NOT true, by the way)) and just having the chicken. I'd already lost about 5.5 lbs at this point, I KNEW most of it was water but heck, this is sweet and sour chicken we're talking about. But no-I stayed strong and made it through and the chicken lived another day.
Did the salt water flush and learned why it's called FLUSH. Worked in a big time way! Wahoo.
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 4 Going Strong! I actually worked out! Just the treadmill for about 30 minutes-less than I'd normally do but I was cautious about overdoing it. Still, felt fine! Was hungry after so had a lemonade drink-I was actually starting to look forward to them!
As it took so long to start working, I did another salt water flush(with positive results again).
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 5 Fuzzy head is completely gone, have plenty of energy((not an exceptionally HIGH level, but I felt fine considering I was on such a limited diet AND I hadn't had caffeine in 5 days! I spent a lot of time this day trolling the master cleanse message forum boards reading other peoples stories and getting tips on things.
No SWF but did have SM Herbal Tea. It's important that you have this every day!
Day 6 I ventured out for the day. Had my first lemonade drink in the morning after my SWF. Then I mixed up my lemon juice and maple syrup. NOTE-when mixing it up in advance it's important you only mix up what you're about to drink in the next 10 minutes. The lemons start to loose their nutritional benefits after that amount of time. If you HAVE to mix it to take it with just mix it with the maple syrup((which will act as a preservative)) and add water and cayenne pepper right before you drink. This is important for another reason. If you add the cayenne pepper too early it starts to get hot...fast! Not pleasant! So I mixed up enough solution to take with me, packed up my cayenne pepper, measuring spoon and bottles of water and went out. Around lunch time I realized I'd packed everything BUT my mixture! OH CRAP! So I drank my bottles of water-having remembered that some folks actually do a water cleanse for a few days anyway-and made it home at about 6pm where I promptly downed 2 big glasses of lemonade. Unfortunately I did have hunger pains at this point, my own fault for forgetting my solution. This eventually resulted in the early demise of my 10 day plan.(10 days is the recommended minimum for the cleanse, some people go weeks or even months!)
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 7 still having hunger pains, broke down and had a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice in the evening, was heart broken! It'd been going so well. Lost 8.5 lbs and was feeling good up until the day I forgot my 'food'.
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 8 a day of juices, lemonade and eventually soup-coming off the cleanse.
1 last SWF and still having the herbal tea at night.
Day 9 The same to eat again-still trying to focus mainly on the lemonade but also had juice, soup and crackers.
No SWF, instead it's time to start putting back the GOOD bacteria now by introducing prebiotics 2x a day(or whatever your particular brand suggests)
Now I'm back to a 'normal' diet, but really I'm not! I'm using this weight loss/cleanse as a launching pad for my next weight watchers trip! I worked out that one glass of lemonade is 1 point for me(old system, not points plus system) and so I supplement that in when I am getting hungry. It fills me up and gets me through til the next meal time where I can enjoy proper healthy food.
Right folks-I'm super tired right now from a long day, will write more asap. Just know that IF you are considering doing this cleanse there is more you need to know! If you want to start before I finish my blog entries I'd say get a couple books on it from the library. Heck-you should do that anyway-for your own piece of mind. Some of the books can be read on google books.com also there are a LOT of websites about the master cleanse-a lot of them have forums where you can read/ask questions and that helps a lot too.
Good night folks!
Now, maybe it's cause I'm an Aries, or maybe it's just cause I'm me-but I'm impatient! Once I decide I'm going to do something I NEED to do it right then before I loose my momentum. So instead of the normal 4 days of weening myself off, I cut my caffeine in half the first day and cut it out altogether the 2nd day(starting my cleanse then on the 3rd day). Add that to the normal detoxing side effects that your body goes through and I was a wreck! I had a headache that wouldn't quit! My HEADACHE had a headache! And there were only two ways to fix it. A) a bucket of coffee or B) tylenol. But wait-on the master cleanse the whole point is to NOT eat anything that can reactivate your digestion and detract from the healing that you want to occur. This means No PILLS, no gum, no candy, no tasting dinner as you cook it for your family, no nothing but your lemonade, salt water flush, Smooth Move tea or occasionally peppermint tea.
Well by day 2 I was close to non functioning, that's how bad it was. I tried all the things you're supposed to do-increase your water in case it's from dehydration (no, it's not! but I increased water anyway) tried to go to a 'happy place' in my mind but it turns out my happy place is starbucks so that backfired in a big way, tried meditation-that took me back to starbucks as well. In the end I took 2 tylenol. And I slept! And it was good. The next morning I was fine until about 9 (aka 2nd cup of coffee time). Then the headache started brewing (see the coffee reference there-not a coincidence!) So I did take 1 more tylenol to catch the headache before it got so bad this time. I have to say by that afternoon I was feeling pretty good!
Here's a brief breakdown of how the days went for me-just in case you're wondering how to plan your cleanse around your schedule.
Day 1-I worked thinking that by keeping busy I wouldn't notice that I was not eating 'food', just drinking it. By that afternoon the headache was already kickin my butt and I had a major fuzzy head! (I later read this is a common symptom at the beginning of the detoxing process)
Did salt water flush with NO results...
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 2 I was pretty much non functional, spent a lot of time resting and trying to get rid of my headache. I want to say that I had not yet had HUNGER pains! The drink was surprisingly satisfying and you can pretty much have as much as you want. If you're trying to actually lose weight you can reduce your maple syrup intake but I kept mine at the recommended level for just detoxing as I didn't want to cut out too many calories. I was still getting a good amount!
Did salt water flush AGAIN with no results...
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 3 'Its a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life....and I'm feeling good! No kidding! I felt fine!
Referencing the books/websites I'd read in preparation for the cleanse, I was aware that there would be food 'cravings'. This is not to be confused with hunger pains. This is more of a 'I HAVE to eat a WHOLE chocolate cake right now!' sort of craving. Not healthy, and apparently part of the detoxing process-when your body screams out for all the bad crap it's been so used to having. My craving was actually for sweet and sour chicken and I had it BAD. I was tempted to chuck the whole thing in, thinking surely 3 days was better than nothing((which is NOT true, by the way)) and just having the chicken. I'd already lost about 5.5 lbs at this point, I KNEW most of it was water but heck, this is sweet and sour chicken we're talking about. But no-I stayed strong and made it through and the chicken lived another day.
Did the salt water flush and learned why it's called FLUSH. Worked in a big time way! Wahoo.
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 4 Going Strong! I actually worked out! Just the treadmill for about 30 minutes-less than I'd normally do but I was cautious about overdoing it. Still, felt fine! Was hungry after so had a lemonade drink-I was actually starting to look forward to them!
As it took so long to start working, I did another salt water flush(with positive results again).
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 5 Fuzzy head is completely gone, have plenty of energy((not an exceptionally HIGH level, but I felt fine considering I was on such a limited diet AND I hadn't had caffeine in 5 days! I spent a lot of time this day trolling the master cleanse message forum boards reading other peoples stories and getting tips on things.
No SWF but did have SM Herbal Tea. It's important that you have this every day!
Day 6 I ventured out for the day. Had my first lemonade drink in the morning after my SWF. Then I mixed up my lemon juice and maple syrup. NOTE-when mixing it up in advance it's important you only mix up what you're about to drink in the next 10 minutes. The lemons start to loose their nutritional benefits after that amount of time. If you HAVE to mix it to take it with just mix it with the maple syrup((which will act as a preservative)) and add water and cayenne pepper right before you drink. This is important for another reason. If you add the cayenne pepper too early it starts to get hot...fast! Not pleasant! So I mixed up enough solution to take with me, packed up my cayenne pepper, measuring spoon and bottles of water and went out. Around lunch time I realized I'd packed everything BUT my mixture! OH CRAP! So I drank my bottles of water-having remembered that some folks actually do a water cleanse for a few days anyway-and made it home at about 6pm where I promptly downed 2 big glasses of lemonade. Unfortunately I did have hunger pains at this point, my own fault for forgetting my solution. This eventually resulted in the early demise of my 10 day plan.(10 days is the recommended minimum for the cleanse, some people go weeks or even months!)
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 7 still having hunger pains, broke down and had a glass of fresh squeezed orange juice in the evening, was heart broken! It'd been going so well. Lost 8.5 lbs and was feeling good up until the day I forgot my 'food'.
SM Herbal Tea in the evening.
Day 8 a day of juices, lemonade and eventually soup-coming off the cleanse.
1 last SWF and still having the herbal tea at night.
Day 9 The same to eat again-still trying to focus mainly on the lemonade but also had juice, soup and crackers.
No SWF, instead it's time to start putting back the GOOD bacteria now by introducing prebiotics 2x a day(or whatever your particular brand suggests)
Now I'm back to a 'normal' diet, but really I'm not! I'm using this weight loss/cleanse as a launching pad for my next weight watchers trip! I worked out that one glass of lemonade is 1 point for me(old system, not points plus system) and so I supplement that in when I am getting hungry. It fills me up and gets me through til the next meal time where I can enjoy proper healthy food.
Right folks-I'm super tired right now from a long day, will write more asap. Just know that IF you are considering doing this cleanse there is more you need to know! If you want to start before I finish my blog entries I'd say get a couple books on it from the library. Heck-you should do that anyway-for your own piece of mind. Some of the books can be read on google books.com also there are a LOT of websites about the master cleanse-a lot of them have forums where you can read/ask questions and that helps a lot too.
Good night folks!
The Master Cleanse...(insert menacing music here!)
Ok. Right about now I'd like to state for the record that I have not lost my mind. I'm sure on any given day one or two people question my sanity in general but this is about to push that statistic WAY up. Just trust me. I'm not crazy! I'm not a fool! I have no emails from Mr. T saying 'I pity you, Beth.' I AM open minded and willing to try new things....
Well...Not totally open minded. In fact I'd heard about the Master Cleanse before and was pretty sure it was for crazy loons! Everything pointed to success when you read about how well this 'diet/cleanse' worked, but it seemed to have a bit of 'eating disorder' thrown in for good measure. I've tried a lot of things in an attempt to get/stay healthy and lose weight. Lately I've fallen victim to the torturous Jillian Michaels. Don't get me wrong, she's great in that whole 'Do 100 push ups right now or I will activate a tracking device in this dvd, hunt you down and gut you like a wimpy fish!' sort of way. Some people don't like it but for me it works. Sometimes I even do an EXTRA push up just in case she's using one of those devices from 'Enemy of the State' and watching me. Ya, she's pretty scary.
I've also inherited a treadmill. I've done 4-5 miles every morning for the past 2 weeks or so. Today is my FIRST day off and it's only because the shin splints I've had since day 3 of 'uphill treadmill mode' have finally conquered me. I have been very determined but as of yesterday my shinsplints say 'You and your measly 800mg of tylenol are no match for me and my excruciating powers of shooting pain!' so I am taking a day off for rest. Probably... Unless I finish everything I need to do before work and have time to squeeze in a quick 30 minutes. NO! I can't do it! Ugh. This is awful. I need to work out but I need to rest(but I NEED to work out!).
The thing is, I've been hovering at this weight I'm at (I won't tell you what it is, but I will say my BMI is 25 which is RIGHT on the line between ok and overweight) for too long now. Nothing, not even Jillian, helps to shift the weight. I am toned up, sure, but still feeling blah. I know how to lose weight, I've done it before. Weight watchers helped me shift a wonder 25lbs once. Now even that doesn't help.
THEN... I saw a post on facebook from my old buddy Kristen! All it said was 'Day 4 of the cleanse, down 5 lbs already' or something to that effect. STOP THE PRESS! Kristen is doing the master cleanse? But she's not an anorexic loon! Shes a perfectly normal-if not exceptional-person! She's one of those friends who-if she said to said 'Stop wearing socks to prevent global warming.' I'd seriously consider switching to flip flops and want to hear all about her theory! In other words-I trust her judgement. AND-she's lost 5lbs. What's not to like! :D
So I've talked about it with her a little bit, read TONS on the internet(and we all know everything on the internet is true-just like everything on tv) and I've read Tom Woloshyn's The Complete Master Cleanse. Guess what folks, I'm willing to give it a try. Here's why!
First off because it's NOT about losing weight! It really isn't. Sure you lose weight but it's not a starvation diet sort of thing like you might be thinking. Apparently you go to the bathroom a lot! (a lot lot lot lot lot!) as part of the whole cleanse thing. It's kind of (but not entirely) like a fast. The whole idea is to let your body(which used 25% of its energy digesting food) have a break. That way the body can divert most or all of that energy to repairing itself. Kind of like when you have a bad stomach flu and your gut does NOT want you to eat anything! It just wants to work on healing itself before you bombard it with more food.
When we're sick-even with a cold-what do you eat? Chicken soup! Or better-chicken broth! Easily digestible liquids. That way your body can focus on what needs to be done.
But what about vitamins and nutrients? How do you get all your vitamins and nutrients from those 4 measly ingredients? (which by the way-incase you've never heard of this master cleanse before-all you have to eat/drink is:
Fresh squeezed lemons(which provide high levels of potassium, calcium and magnesium, calcium, phosphorus, sodium, zinc, copper, selenium and iron, thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, pantothenic acid(vitamin b-5) and vitamin b6.
Cayenne Pepper(high in vitamin A and vitamin C, also contains Vitamin B, Potassium and calcium. It's a stimulant that increases metabolism, increases circulation and helps with digestive disorders) The function of the pepper is to break down and loosen mucus in the body-benefiting sinuses, bronchial tubes, and lungs.
Water-well water or spring water is best, but at least do your best to avoid chlorinated water or fluoridated water.
Maple Syrup-(You can ALSO use raw cane syrup or freshly pressed cane juice if available-NOT HONEY) Maple syrup contains a number of minerals and vitamins in trace amounts depending on where it was collected. Examples are: potassium, calcium, magnesium. maganese, phosphorus, sodium, iron, zinc, copper, tin, sulfur, silicon, Vitamins A, B-1, B-2, B-5, B-6, boitin and folic acid are present as well.
It's recommended that you use ALL ORGANIC products, and apparently the flavor is worth the extra cost. Also GRADE A Maple Syrup is the most appropriate as it's normally highest in those essential vitamins and minerals you need. Grade B can be used, but keep your eye out for Grade A if possible. ALSO! Make sure there are no additives! You'd be surprised. Honestly-look for the organic grade A if possible.
Do NOT use Meyers Lemons(cross between a lemon and a mandarin orange) for the cleanse! They are less acidic(which-by the way in case you're worrying about the acidity of lemons keep in mind that they have a more alkaline property when being digested-meyers lemons have less acidity and slightly different properties.
I'm gonna wrap this blog up here and start a new entry about more specific details and the lovely SWF (Salt Water Flush-It's not called 'FLUSH' for nothin folks!)
Well...Not totally open minded. In fact I'd heard about the Master Cleanse before and was pretty sure it was for crazy loons! Everything pointed to success when you read about how well this 'diet/cleanse' worked, but it seemed to have a bit of 'eating disorder' thrown in for good measure. I've tried a lot of things in an attempt to get/stay healthy and lose weight. Lately I've fallen victim to the torturous Jillian Michaels. Don't get me wrong, she's great in that whole 'Do 100 push ups right now or I will activate a tracking device in this dvd, hunt you down and gut you like a wimpy fish!' sort of way. Some people don't like it but for me it works. Sometimes I even do an EXTRA push up just in case she's using one of those devices from 'Enemy of the State' and watching me. Ya, she's pretty scary.
I've also inherited a treadmill. I've done 4-5 miles every morning for the past 2 weeks or so. Today is my FIRST day off and it's only because the shin splints I've had since day 3 of 'uphill treadmill mode' have finally conquered me. I have been very determined but as of yesterday my shinsplints say 'You and your measly 800mg of tylenol are no match for me and my excruciating powers of shooting pain!' so I am taking a day off for rest. Probably... Unless I finish everything I need to do before work and have time to squeeze in a quick 30 minutes. NO! I can't do it! Ugh. This is awful. I need to work out but I need to rest(but I NEED to work out!).
The thing is, I've been hovering at this weight I'm at (I won't tell you what it is, but I will say my BMI is 25 which is RIGHT on the line between ok and overweight) for too long now. Nothing, not even Jillian, helps to shift the weight. I am toned up, sure, but still feeling blah. I know how to lose weight, I've done it before. Weight watchers helped me shift a wonder 25lbs once. Now even that doesn't help.
THEN... I saw a post on facebook from my old buddy Kristen! All it said was 'Day 4 of the cleanse, down 5 lbs already' or something to that effect. STOP THE PRESS! Kristen is doing the master cleanse? But she's not an anorexic loon! Shes a perfectly normal-if not exceptional-person! She's one of those friends who-if she said to said 'Stop wearing socks to prevent global warming.' I'd seriously consider switching to flip flops and want to hear all about her theory! In other words-I trust her judgement. AND-she's lost 5lbs. What's not to like! :D
So I've talked about it with her a little bit, read TONS on the internet(and we all know everything on the internet is true-just like everything on tv) and I've read Tom Woloshyn's The Complete Master Cleanse. Guess what folks, I'm willing to give it a try. Here's why!
First off because it's NOT about losing weight! It really isn't. Sure you lose weight but it's not a starvation diet sort of thing like you might be thinking. Apparently you go to the bathroom a lot! (a lot lot lot lot lot!) as part of the whole cleanse thing. It's kind of (but not entirely) like a fast. The whole idea is to let your body(which used 25% of its energy digesting food) have a break. That way the body can divert most or all of that energy to repairing itself. Kind of like when you have a bad stomach flu and your gut does NOT want you to eat anything! It just wants to work on healing itself before you bombard it with more food.
When we're sick-even with a cold-what do you eat? Chicken soup! Or better-chicken broth! Easily digestible liquids. That way your body can focus on what needs to be done.
But what about vitamins and nutrients? How do you get all your vitamins and nutrients from those 4 measly ingredients? (which by the way-incase you've never heard of this master cleanse before-all you have to eat/drink is:
Fresh squeezed lemons(which provide high levels of potassium, calcium and magnesium, calcium, phosphorus, sodium, zinc, copper, selenium and iron, thiamine, riboflavin, niacin, pantothenic acid(vitamin b-5) and vitamin b6.
Cayenne Pepper(high in vitamin A and vitamin C, also contains Vitamin B, Potassium and calcium. It's a stimulant that increases metabolism, increases circulation and helps with digestive disorders) The function of the pepper is to break down and loosen mucus in the body-benefiting sinuses, bronchial tubes, and lungs.
Water-well water or spring water is best, but at least do your best to avoid chlorinated water or fluoridated water.
Maple Syrup-(You can ALSO use raw cane syrup or freshly pressed cane juice if available-NOT HONEY) Maple syrup contains a number of minerals and vitamins in trace amounts depending on where it was collected. Examples are: potassium, calcium, magnesium. maganese, phosphorus, sodium, iron, zinc, copper, tin, sulfur, silicon, Vitamins A, B-1, B-2, B-5, B-6, boitin and folic acid are present as well.
It's recommended that you use ALL ORGANIC products, and apparently the flavor is worth the extra cost. Also GRADE A Maple Syrup is the most appropriate as it's normally highest in those essential vitamins and minerals you need. Grade B can be used, but keep your eye out for Grade A if possible. ALSO! Make sure there are no additives! You'd be surprised. Honestly-look for the organic grade A if possible.
Do NOT use Meyers Lemons(cross between a lemon and a mandarin orange) for the cleanse! They are less acidic(which-by the way in case you're worrying about the acidity of lemons keep in mind that they have a more alkaline property when being digested-meyers lemons have less acidity and slightly different properties.
I'm gonna wrap this blog up here and start a new entry about more specific details and the lovely SWF (Salt Water Flush-It's not called 'FLUSH' for nothin folks!)
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Do the wave.
I realize it's been a while since I have written any sort of blog. The trouble is-everything I write is either fact or based on fact and nothing factual has happened lately that's worth writing about. Even the fictional things that have happened haven't been that funny
Anyway... funny or not-I've got something to talk about.
People often ask why we would even consider moving from England to Wisconsin. That is-people from WISCONSIN, who've never been to England, often ask us. When we were planning to move people in England never questioned it for a second.
Ok so, think us crazy or think us smart-we moved from England to Wisconsin. To the middle of nowhere. The actual middle of nowhere. If you had a map entitled 'Nowhere' and you pointed to the very center of it you'd be pointing at my house. Unless you have rheumatoid arthritice like my Grandpa John had-in which case you'd probably be pointing to my garage or one of the other buildings. Still-you get the idea.
Once you actually live in the middle of nowhere you start to appreciate it in a way no city dweller ever could.
We do have a town about 6-7 miles away. Population 509. Large enough to be called a town, small enough to stay off of the Walmart radar. In other words-just right!
Life here is different from England, obviously, but it's also different from 'big city' living in general. It's true what they say-there are no secrets here. For example we'd lived here a short while and somehow ended up at the library. We hadn't brought any documents with us to prove who we were in case we needed to apply for a library card. Turns out it wasn't necessary anyway. Everyone in the library (2 people at the time) knew who we were! They knew which house we'd bought and even knew where we'd moved from. I swear! It was a little weird to say the least. Not a bad weird, just a weird weird.
Where am I going with this?... Hm. dunno.
OH wait! see title. ok yeah.
One of the great things about small town/middle of nowhere life is that, all in all, everyone's pretty neighborly. We lived in the same house for 7 years in England and only knew 3 or 4 neighbors out of the 150 or so that lived in our little cul-de-sac. You kept your head down and your mouth shut. Heck we nearly had to give a blood sample to get a library card! It was a completely different world.
Now I know that big cities here in the States are often the same, I'm not saying they aren't. What I'm saying is 'Middle of Nowhere/Smal town life' is just right for me. (Stop singing Green Acres!!! I can hear you, ya know!)
Have you ever been to, say, Mississippi? We used to visit family there and we always got that same 'small town' kind of neighborly feeling. I'd ride in the truck with Grandpa and he'd be waving to everyone we passed. One time he even waved at a dog! (I guess you'd have to know Grandpa John to understand-he really was just THAT friendly!) Anyway the contrast stayed with me for a very long time-from English head down mouth shut to Mississippi dog waving. Which way of life was better? I gotta say-I love the small town, middle of nowhere, dog wavin life. There were a lot of brilliant advantages to living abroad, but not once did I see anyone wave at a dog.
So! (trying to hurry up-I think this introduction paragraph is getting a bit long winded!)
We live in the country. And we wave! If you're driving out on the roads around here people will wave at you. It doesn't matter if they know you, it's just a friendly little thing everyone does. So we joined in and now we too are wavers!
We've been here long enough now that if I'm driving and someone DOESN'T wave I almost get upset! What the heck?! And then I remind myself-they're probably from 'the city'. But so what! This is 'Nowhere'. Wave! It doesn't cost anything. It rarely hurts-if it does you're probably doing it wrong. It's just a kind gesture, one human acknowledging another. Some people even go so far as to smile at you! But they're weirdo's. We don't wave at them. ((Just kidding! We even wave at the weirdo's!))
So, being incredibly scientifically minded (I'd like to point out that I just spelled 'scientifically' wrong-just in case you believed I was ACTUALLY scientifically minded.) I decided to conduct an experiment.
Scott and I were in the car driving to Sparta (nearest 'big town-population 9000+ & 1 Walmart). I had so much faith in my fellow Americans that I was sure everyone I waved at on the drive to Sparta would wave back. It would almost be like a parade!
Turns out...they didn't. At first it was easy enough to make excuses for people. After all-it'd be pretty hard to wave while you're driving and talking on the phone and eating a cheeseburger while singing along to Taylor Swift on the radio. But as we got closer to town it got harder. I waved but they didn't wave back. Granted-some were old and so obviously didn't see me waving. But others were not so old, not on the phone and not even eating cheeseburgers! Obviously everyone I passed that day was from the 'city'. I started to get irate & my faith in humanity dwindled. What the heck is wrong with these people who can't even wave! GODSAKE! It got to the point where I wanted to stop the car and flag people down just to wave at them! (This way if they didn't wave back I could smack em in the face!)
Scott found all of this hilarious-at which point I decided that if I DID stop the car and wave someone down I was also going to push Scott out of the car before I resumed my travels to Sparta. Alas. I didn't stop.
I DID however decide something needed to be done! So I've done it. I've created a 'How to wave like you're from the country' guide for idiots, dummies and cityfolk in general'. Here's a brief summary of my 'guide to waving'.
We will start small. The one finger wave. NOW! I have to say that, if you are from the city, this is not the '1 finger wave' you may be used to giving and/or receiving!' That's an entirely different kind of wave. Use that one in the country (or the ghetto for that matter) and you're likely to get shot. Country folk are nice, but they don't take crap from anybody! (apart from the occasional manure purchased as a means of fertilizer in which case an arrangement has been made and the crap has been specifically requested. Rarely is anyone shot in such cases.)
Ok. the 1 finger wave. It's a good place to start. It's enough to count as a good gesture, but small enough to hide if you chicken out at the last minute because you're gutless and spineless. Or if you realize the person coming in the opposite direction is a) your arch enemy from the 2nd grade or b) a gov't official
In such occasions feel free to pretend that you WERE doing the '1 finger city wave' instead of the '1 finger country wave' but keep in mind that both arch enemies and gov't officials often carry guns...
Feeling brave? Go for the full 1 handed wave!
In the interest of safety please keep your hand on the steering wheel, or your cheeseburger or phone or computer or knitting or whatever else you happen to be doing while driving I guess.
For the more experienced waver there's what I like to call the 'reindeer wave'. I like to reserve this one for special times like hunting season or christmas because of the antler resemblance. Also-people think it's weird so it's best if you don't do it too often.
Then there's the 'I see you and I started waving early and it's obvious that you're not going to wave so I'm going to make it very obvious to you that I'm waving at you and thus the better man! wave'.
((By the way-has anyone else noticed I'm almost out of gas?!))
Ok. Those are the very basic basics of waving. Waving is a true art, if you've not done it before don't expect to be an expert on the first day. Take it slow and don't get too carried away-we're not landing planes here folks!
If you find that at first, in your excitement to acknowledge other humans, you are over zealous and people are afraid you are in danger or having a seizure, you might want to just take a step or two back and start with a friendly nod.
Looks something like this from the passenger's point of view I guess. What did you think you'd see anyway?
There you have it. Next time you're a little bit out of the city go ahead and try it! Like freaky looking vegetables-it may seem weird at first but you might find you like it.
If you really really don't want to wave, just be sure to always talk on your phone and eat a cheeseburger while you're driving I guess. That way the other person will probably give you the benefit of the doubt and you may just help them keep a little bit of faith in humanity by allowing them to make excuses on your behalf.
If you never leave the city and thus don't have the opportunity to wave at random strangers you could always try smiling :) This too is free and also rarely hurts(unless, again, you're doing something wrong!)
That's it for now. Let me know how it goes!
Goodnight folks!
(insert wave here!)
Anyway... funny or not-I've got something to talk about.
People often ask why we would even consider moving from England to Wisconsin. That is-people from WISCONSIN, who've never been to England, often ask us. When we were planning to move people in England never questioned it for a second.
Ok so, think us crazy or think us smart-we moved from England to Wisconsin. To the middle of nowhere. The actual middle of nowhere. If you had a map entitled 'Nowhere' and you pointed to the very center of it you'd be pointing at my house. Unless you have rheumatoid arthritice like my Grandpa John had-in which case you'd probably be pointing to my garage or one of the other buildings. Still-you get the idea.
Once you actually live in the middle of nowhere you start to appreciate it in a way no city dweller ever could.
We do have a town about 6-7 miles away. Population 509. Large enough to be called a town, small enough to stay off of the Walmart radar. In other words-just right!
Life here is different from England, obviously, but it's also different from 'big city' living in general. It's true what they say-there are no secrets here. For example we'd lived here a short while and somehow ended up at the library. We hadn't brought any documents with us to prove who we were in case we needed to apply for a library card. Turns out it wasn't necessary anyway. Everyone in the library (2 people at the time) knew who we were! They knew which house we'd bought and even knew where we'd moved from. I swear! It was a little weird to say the least. Not a bad weird, just a weird weird.
Where am I going with this?... Hm. dunno.
OH wait! see title. ok yeah.
One of the great things about small town/middle of nowhere life is that, all in all, everyone's pretty neighborly. We lived in the same house for 7 years in England and only knew 3 or 4 neighbors out of the 150 or so that lived in our little cul-de-sac. You kept your head down and your mouth shut. Heck we nearly had to give a blood sample to get a library card! It was a completely different world.
Now I know that big cities here in the States are often the same, I'm not saying they aren't. What I'm saying is 'Middle of Nowhere/Smal town life' is just right for me. (Stop singing Green Acres!!! I can hear you, ya know!)
Have you ever been to, say, Mississippi? We used to visit family there and we always got that same 'small town' kind of neighborly feeling. I'd ride in the truck with Grandpa and he'd be waving to everyone we passed. One time he even waved at a dog! (I guess you'd have to know Grandpa John to understand-he really was just THAT friendly!) Anyway the contrast stayed with me for a very long time-from English head down mouth shut to Mississippi dog waving. Which way of life was better? I gotta say-I love the small town, middle of nowhere, dog wavin life. There were a lot of brilliant advantages to living abroad, but not once did I see anyone wave at a dog.
So! (trying to hurry up-I think this introduction paragraph is getting a bit long winded!)
We live in the country. And we wave! If you're driving out on the roads around here people will wave at you. It doesn't matter if they know you, it's just a friendly little thing everyone does. So we joined in and now we too are wavers!
We've been here long enough now that if I'm driving and someone DOESN'T wave I almost get upset! What the heck?! And then I remind myself-they're probably from 'the city'. But so what! This is 'Nowhere'. Wave! It doesn't cost anything. It rarely hurts-if it does you're probably doing it wrong. It's just a kind gesture, one human acknowledging another. Some people even go so far as to smile at you! But they're weirdo's. We don't wave at them. ((Just kidding! We even wave at the weirdo's!))
So, being incredibly scientifically minded (I'd like to point out that I just spelled 'scientifically' wrong-just in case you believed I was ACTUALLY scientifically minded.) I decided to conduct an experiment.
Scott and I were in the car driving to Sparta (nearest 'big town-population 9000+ & 1 Walmart). I had so much faith in my fellow Americans that I was sure everyone I waved at on the drive to Sparta would wave back. It would almost be like a parade!
Turns out...they didn't. At first it was easy enough to make excuses for people. After all-it'd be pretty hard to wave while you're driving and talking on the phone and eating a cheeseburger while singing along to Taylor Swift on the radio. But as we got closer to town it got harder. I waved but they didn't wave back. Granted-some were old and so obviously didn't see me waving. But others were not so old, not on the phone and not even eating cheeseburgers! Obviously everyone I passed that day was from the 'city'. I started to get irate & my faith in humanity dwindled. What the heck is wrong with these people who can't even wave! GODSAKE! It got to the point where I wanted to stop the car and flag people down just to wave at them! (This way if they didn't wave back I could smack em in the face!)
Scott found all of this hilarious-at which point I decided that if I DID stop the car and wave someone down I was also going to push Scott out of the car before I resumed my travels to Sparta. Alas. I didn't stop.
I DID however decide something needed to be done! So I've done it. I've created a 'How to wave like you're from the country' guide for idiots, dummies and cityfolk in general'. Here's a brief summary of my 'guide to waving'.
We will start small. The one finger wave. NOW! I have to say that, if you are from the city, this is not the '1 finger wave' you may be used to giving and/or receiving!' That's an entirely different kind of wave. Use that one in the country (or the ghetto for that matter) and you're likely to get shot. Country folk are nice, but they don't take crap from anybody! (apart from the occasional manure purchased as a means of fertilizer in which case an arrangement has been made and the crap has been specifically requested. Rarely is anyone shot in such cases.)
Ok. the 1 finger wave. It's a good place to start. It's enough to count as a good gesture, but small enough to hide if you chicken out at the last minute because you're gutless and spineless. Or if you realize the person coming in the opposite direction is a) your arch enemy from the 2nd grade or b) a gov't officialIn such occasions feel free to pretend that you WERE doing the '1 finger city wave' instead of the '1 finger country wave' but keep in mind that both arch enemies and gov't officials often carry guns...
Feeling brave? Go for the full 1 handed wave!
For the more experienced waver there's what I like to call the 'reindeer wave'. I like to reserve this one for special times like hunting season or christmas because of the antler resemblance. Also-people think it's weird so it's best if you don't do it too often.
Then there's the 'I see you and I started waving early and it's obvious that you're not going to wave so I'm going to make it very obvious to you that I'm waving at you and thus the better man! wave'.
Ok. Those are the very basic basics of waving. Waving is a true art, if you've not done it before don't expect to be an expert on the first day. Take it slow and don't get too carried away-we're not landing planes here folks!
If you find that at first, in your excitement to acknowledge other humans, you are over zealous and people are afraid you are in danger or having a seizure, you might want to just take a step or two back and start with a friendly nod.
Looks something like this from the passenger's point of view I guess. What did you think you'd see anyway?
There you have it. Next time you're a little bit out of the city go ahead and try it! Like freaky looking vegetables-it may seem weird at first but you might find you like it.
If you really really don't want to wave, just be sure to always talk on your phone and eat a cheeseburger while you're driving I guess. That way the other person will probably give you the benefit of the doubt and you may just help them keep a little bit of faith in humanity by allowing them to make excuses on your behalf.
If you never leave the city and thus don't have the opportunity to wave at random strangers you could always try smiling :) This too is free and also rarely hurts(unless, again, you're doing something wrong!)
That's it for now. Let me know how it goes!
Goodnight folks!
(insert wave here!)
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