So I've been thinking about this for a while now. There is clearly a hole in the market. I really think that Nintendo Wii needs to introduce a Farming game.
If you've been living under a rock and don't know what a Wii (pronounced 'WE' ) is-it's a game system that requires actions, not just button pushing. You have to MOVE. I think that xbox kinect is interactive as well, but I don't have one of those so we'll stick with the Wii.
Alright. This little seed was planted the first winter we moved to Wisconsin. We moved in November and winter arrived the next day! So we had to cut wood immediately. A lot. And we were not afraid to solicit the help of our city-folk family. So we had these city folks out in the snow helping cut and haul wood. Comments were made along the lines of 'if those other city folks could see me now!' and things like that. It was like we were living in a completely different world!
So here's what I'm thinking... Nintendo Wii needs to make a Farm game that shows even the most urban city dweller what life is like when you're eggs don't come from the store and your heat doesn't come from a switch.
Now at first I was thinking that gardening would be a good beginning level. Anyone who farms might agree. Then I started thinking about life back near London, where Scott used to cut our 'lawn' (insert laughing here) with the weed wacker. It used to take him about 3 minutes to 'wack' the whole 'lawn' which was about 3 feet x 3 feet. But before you gasp at the cruelty that is suffered by those who are 'lawn deprived'-think of the folks who lived right in London! In (cringe) apartment buildings! Where such words as 'rake' and 'shovel' are foreign words. It seems that this 'Farm' game will need to start at the BASIC of basics. Mowing the lawn. If you don't know what 'mowing' or 'lawn' means then I suggest you stick with mario cart cause there's no hope for you.
Now I can see a few 'accessories' being required for adequate game play.
1. game controller
2. nunchuck,
3. Wii timer
4.Wii Thermostat to adjust your room temperature to a more accurate condition. (cause lets face it folks-it's not farming if you can do it in the dry cool comfort of an air conditioned living room or under toasty warm covers on the couch!
5. 2x 20 LB weights (can be in shape of logs but not required)
6. other
Ok beginners level
Lawn Mowing. Tools required-game controller, 20lb weight, timer, thermostat
Basically you'd just walk back and forth 500 times or until you've covered, say, 2 miles in distance. Ideally you'd do this while carrying 1 of your 20lb weights to help simulate the exertion required with a push mower. Also please use your Wii Thermostat set at 78 or higher.
Levels can be increased by adding distance or increasing speed or temperature. Top marks for those who can do 2 miles in under 1 hour while carrying 20lb weight with the thermostat set at 95.
Bonus Round would be optional and would require the purchase of an angry dog from the pound to bite your ankles while you complete your other lawn-mowing challenges. Perhaps this is an idea for Wii Farm 2.
**Note-no Wii items, including angry dog, can be returned once used. Angry dogs can only be returned if you
a) still have your receipt
b) dog is still in original packaging, unused
Angry Dog warranties will be available in the event your dog malfunctions I.E. no longer bites ankles. Warranty will not cover user errors including but not limited to
*dog peeing on rug because you don't let it out
*dog eating cat or other small animals
*dog runs away
*dog returns home when you try to make it run away
*dog gets parasites including, but by no means limited to, fleas
*acts of god-including dog subsequently giving birth to additional angry dogs-consider it a gift with purchase
*all other problems you might have that are not listed here-if something happens just assume it's not covered.
Right. Congrats if you make it past lawn mower.
Level 2.
Snow Shovelling.
When I lived in England we never once, in 12 years, had to shovel snow. We did not own a shovel of any kind and had no intentions of buying one. If it snowed, which it occasionally did, any accumulation would normally melt by the end of the day. If, by some freaky chance, the snow remained the following day we would sweep it away with a broom. That's right folks. Sweep. ...Then we moved to Wisconsin.
Wisconsin + Winter = snow Lots of it! The first year we lived here it actually snowed IN our bedroom, but that's rare here and you have to have a special kind of window which contains no glass and is covered by a piece of plywood if you want snow in your bedroom. We were living the high life, that's for sure.
Anyway
level 2-show shoveling
Items required: 1 Wii controller, 1 Wii thermostat, 2 x 20lb weights, 2 cups water.
Before you start, perhaps even the night before, turn your thermostat down to 20f.
Also soak your feet, socks, boots or whatever you have on, in the water. We want this to be as real as possible folks!
Now, while using your Wii remote, lift 1 of the 20lb weights repeatedly for an hour and a half. Be sure to re-wet socks if they happen to dry out, but if you are using your Wii thermometer correctly this shouldn't be an issue. Ideally your socks should be covered in little bits of ice by the time you're finished with round 1.
Levels and difficulty can be increased by
1)adding more weight
2) lowering the temperature
Bonus Round would be a winter storm advisory. This means you'd have to shovel, in -10f, with wet frozen socks, lifting both 20lb weights(because the snow is very heavy!) repeatedly for 2 hours. You can take a 10 minute break after, but all the while your snow is reaccumulating and you will have to go out and do the whole thing again. Repeat until you are near heart failure.
Right. It's time to introduce some animals to your Wii Farm. We'll start with chickens. Pretty easy.
Level 3
Chickens
Items required-Wii remote, timer, 100 plastic (easter) eggs for more realistic game play, 1 baggy shirt and trousers with pockets.
Starting slowly-this level will require you to gather 50 eggs in under 5 minutes.
Levels increase by adding eggs and shortening the allowed time.
By the higher levels you should be collecting so many eggs that you have to shove them in your pockets of your baggy trousers and carry the rest using your shirt as a makeshift egg collecting basket by holding it out in front of you. Sounds easy? Try it one day with real eggs. Have fun walking with eggs in your pocket-when 1 cracks you'll start to really appreciate the Wii Farm Game.
Bonus level. Let a mean rooster loose in your living room while you play. We had a rooster for a while; he was bi-polar. The neighbours used to ask if there was a way I could medicate him, he was that crazy! In the end he lost his mind and he's now in the neighbour's freezer.
If you find that funds are running short and you are unable to purchase the Wii Bi-polar Rooster feel free to substitute rooster with Angry Dog chasing you while you collect eggs.
Secret level-Free Range Chickens.
Once you've mastered collecting 100 eggs in 2 minutes while being beaten up by Bi-polar Rooster or bitten by Angry Dog you can unlock the Free Range Level. This means your chickens are allowed to walk around the farm wherever they please. It's better for the chickens, but it means every morning egg collecting is like Easter-you have to find where the chickens have hidden their eggs! Good luck. This level will take you about 4 hours to complete.
Next I suppose there should be a Crap Shoveling level. You'll need your Wii controller, timer and 1x 20lb weight.
Crap Shovelling
This level is a lot like Snow Shoveling but with the added feature of Bug Busting. Bonus points for killing as many flies as possible. Once you are a good bug buster/crap shoveler you can unlock
'What the *&$ is that!' level where you have to identify various bugs (some real, some fictitious-good luck with those ones). The final level of the 'What the £$%% is that!' will, unfortunately, be very difficult. It will involve identifying bugs by the bites you have on your body using size, shape, colour and itchy-ness as your only clues to which bug leaves which mark. Oh joy!
So I think you can see where this is going. Other levels will include such things as:
'Wood Chopping/Hauling/Stacking'
'
House & Barn Repairs' (note-Wii Duct tape is required for this level)
Rodent identification.
Eventually you will progress to the more advanced levels such as
Tractor Level! Sounds like fun? Maybe even easy-sitting in a tractor all day driving around, right? Nope! Tractors can get stuck or break down. ***Note-this level requires advanced language skills. I've never fixed a tractor myself but I've seen it done and it seems that the more you swear at the tractor the better! Please see your '
How to Cuss at your Wii Tractor' guide which can be found in your game leaflets.
So you've mastered everything so far? Time to up it a bit.
Cow Milking. Items required: Wii controller, timer, thermostat, 2x4 piece of wood, 1 friend who's willing to hit you with said 2x4 as hard as possible
Set your Wii Timer so that it wakes you up at 430am. That's right, 4:30 A M. Get up, dress warm-cause your thermostat should be set at about 35F, and grab your controller and get ready. Now just when you think you've got the hang of 'Wii Cow Milking' wake your friend and tell them to bring the 2x4. Have said friend whack you AS HARD AS POSSIBLE in a
delicate area. Congratulations. You've completed round 1 of 'Wii Cow Milking' Repeat in the evening and every morning here on. If you fail to wake at 430 to milk your Wii cows you will have to face additional challenges such as Wii Mastitice. Not fun. And you can't pay your Wii Vet in chicken eggs either! A true challenge, this level.
Now here's where Wii farming gets serious. Once you've completed Wii Cow Milking it's time to apply what you've learned.
Get up at 430am, set thermostat to freezing.
Milk cows,
Shovel (make sure socks are wet by this point) for 1 hour,
gather 100 free range eggs and then go fix the
%$^& Tractor. If you can do all of these levels by 1pm you've earned the right to '
Wii Drink Beer' level. Congrats. But don't forget to shovel again after 10 minutes and then go milk the cows again.
If you can complete all of these levels successfully, while still maintaining a 'part time job' of only 40 hours a week, then you can consider yourself a successful Wii Farmer. Please note-you are still not a REAL LIFE farmer so please don't attempt to approach a Real Farmer and discuss cow milking or egg collecting techniques. Real farmers don't have time to listen to your ramblings! Also, real farmers often have guns. You've been warned.
Other versions of 'Wii Farm' might include 'Wii Farm Amish Style' where no electricity is allowed.
Wii Hunt also sounds like a good idea. Ever gutted a deer? Now you can!
Thanks for reading, folks! :D
She's up there on the left.
